Starting a step family is exciting. Hopes and expectations run high. Once again we are a two-parent household. At last I’ll have some help raising these kids! Everyone will be happy and new loving relationships will somehow be there.
Alas, stepping into step family hood isn’t quite that simple. Unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment, frustration and self-doubt.
Let’s get real! A step family is not the same as a biological one. Here are seven steps toward making your stepfamily work:
1. Give relationships time to grow. Family feelings don’t happen overnight. They can take years to develop.
2. Expect to be compared with the absent parent. You will be tested and manipulated. With your spouse, decide what is best for the kids and stand by your decision unless you both decide to change it.
3. Don’t try to replace the lost parent. Instead, be an additional parent. Also, recognize that kids need to mourn their loss.
4. Don’t be an instant authority. To be an effective disciplinarian you will need support from natural parents on child rearing issues. This will take some time.
5. Make room for confusion. New roles and relationships may be accompanied by high anxiety, competition for attention and loyalty conflicts. Kids may suspect that they are being replaced in your affections by the new spouse. They need to understand that you love and need them and your new spouse, only in different ways.
6. Respect generational boundaries. The potential for inappropriate and harmful sexual relationships is higher in step families because of the lack of biological ties and shared history.
7. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Get counseling or join a step family organization before problems get out of hand.
Hugh R. Leavell, Ph.D. is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in northern Palm Beach County, FL. Check his website at http://DrHughLeavell
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